So, you, like so many others, have spent the recent months on the road with a motley crew of Mensa members in 18th century garments, protesting against health care, tax cuts, education, lamp-posts, and shopping carts with one missing wheel. Now, out of the blue, you’re reading from someone’s Facebook update that the bill that was printed on both sides of hundreds of thousands of pages, and which grants the government the right to make it easier for people to keep themselves alive (whatever happened to a man’s right to have a coronary on a Burger King parking lot?), has actually been passed in secrecy in the dead of night. Who knew?

Suddenly, it seems like you’re running out of things to fear. However, the flame of unabashed, uninformed patriotism is still flickering feverishly – and there is more to come.

Salmon & Shyster is publishing the 8,000-page health reform bill in its entirety, according to the publisher’s spokesperson. “We are printing the whole thing, all twelve thousand pages of it,” spokesperson Amanda Hugginkess stated under condition of anonymity. “Nothing is going to be left out, it’s all there,” Ms. Hugginkess said moments before being distracted by a bird. “Every word of that 16,000-page bill is going to be there. Plus, as a special treat, there will be illustrations provided by a well-known politician. I’m not going to spoil the surprise, but he’s one of the black leaders of the RNC.” Ms. Hugginkess refused to reveal the cartoonist’s identity, and hurriedly went on attempting to keep her place in line for the recently released 12th volume of the Harry Potter series. “Cool, there’s magic in this one.”

Despite the publisher’s excitement, the anticipation on the streets is lukewarm at best.

“I’m not gonna buy it,” ombudsman Timothy McDonald said, shaking his head. “I don’t need to read it to know what’s in it.” McDonald, on his way home from visiting his sick grandmother, stated that most of what he needed to know he had already learned from television. Citing public prejudice, McDonald refused to reveal his sources. “I ain’t gonna tell you what channel, but it’s like an animal. Not the emu, but the other one.”

As of now, Salmon & Shyster is yet to set a release date for the upcoming tome, but rumor has it that Paramount is already planning a major summer blockbuster based on the book.

Furthermore, a heavily abridged version, edited by former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, is expected to hit the shelves just before November.

Immediately following the recent injury of freshly elected Republican Senator Scott Brown, there has been some speculation that the Massachusetts Senator might not be sworn in this afternoon after all. However, according to a source at the House GOP leadership, such rumors and speculations are not only premature, but entirely baseless.

“We don’t expect Senator Brown’s ceremony this afternoon to be delayed. He will be sworn in at around 5 pm, and will thereafter be able to vote on any bills that may come before the Senate,” reported an aide on the condition of anonymity.

Senator Brown was injured late Tuesday night when one of the strings that RNC Chairman Michael Steele uses to control Brown’s movements broke off. The immediate concern among his Republican constituents was that their new Senator might not be able to properly vote in the Senate in line with the party’s expectations. Our insider, however, maintains that this is not going to happen. Said the aide: “Senator Brown is eager to do as told by the party. He is looking forward to taking off his shirt and getting to work.”

In other news, at the time of this writing there is no official word on whether Brown’s daughter Ayla is still single.

Now that President Obama’s approval ratings are slipping, and the good people of Massachusetts have voted in their first Republican senator in almost forty years, it’s time to get real about politics in this country. It’s time to take leadership into our own hands.

Brother, I know what you are thinking: “how am I supposed to feed my horse and my wife the next winter when the government wants to spend my money on health care and education?” This is a difficult question, one that needs an easy answer.

President Obama does not have that answer for us, Brother. That is precisely why the election this November is so important. We need to win back the House to pave the way for the all-important 2012 presidential election. That’s when the real change will begin.

The liberals want to loan money to big corporations like General Motors, and for what? To keep a quarter of a million employees from losing their jobs? My Cousin Lenny lost his job for taking a few sick days – nobody bailed his ass out.

Then there’s all this health care crap going on. It’s all just government bullshit, I’m telling you. I don’t need some doctor telling me to eat more apples.

If you follow the news, and I certainly do, you know that that bearded guy in Iran is just asking for it. Only a matter of time before we have to extend the War On Terror to include Iran – it’s right next door to Iraq, for Christ’s sake – and North Korea is probably next. Fighting terrorism abroad is what keeps us safe at home, and it comes at a high price. How are we supposed to afford it if we’re bleeding money trying to provide the poor, huddled masses with affordable health care?

This whole concept of taxing the outrageously wealthy insurance companies and only providing tax relief to the indigent is fruit from the Socialist tree, plain and simple. You know what? Fuck the poor. We need solid capitalist leadership that is cemented in Christian, “Real American” values. Like the Bible says, “an eye for an eye” and “every man for himself.”

_{PLEASE NOTE THAT THE EXPLETIVES PEPPERED ON THIS SATIRICAL PIECE ARE USED FOR LITERARY EFFECT ONLY. I RARELY USE PROFANITIES ON MY BLOG, AND APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE OFFENDED BY THEM IN THIS ENTRY.}

If you enjoy a cold beer, today is supposedly the day to knock one back, as canned beer celebrates its 75th birthday.

The first beer can was introduced by a brewing company from New Jersey back in 1935. It was a market test, which apparently proved successful, since American beer drinkers prefer cans over bottles, judging by numbers sold.

And if you’re interested, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, adult Americans drink 22 gallons of beer per person each year.

Since I hardly ever drink beer, I hope someone else is enjoying my 22 gallons. In fact, judging by how people drive in this town, I know they are.

1. Microsoft Internet Explorer 6

Despite being web standards non-compliant, and riddled with security holes, this sluggish mammoth of a browser continues to plague the online world, almost a decade after its first appearance. Many corporations continue to stick with MSIE6, as do certain less technologically focused countries, such as China and South Korea. Webmasters around the globe have launched various online campaigns to petition for a swift death for IE6.

2. The Birther Movement

This “movement” refers to all those numbnuts people out there who are convinced that President Barack Obama’s birth certificate is fake, and that his mother, staying in Hawaii illegally, had the foresight to place birth announcements in newspapers for her newborn son, just in case he wanted to run for presidency 46 years later. Ample amounts of evidence has been shown to prove the legitimacy of the President’s citizenship status, but, as always, conspiracy theorists have particularly thick craniums.

3. The Tamagotchi

I know, right – who would have thought these things were still around? I was finishing high school around the time these electronic pets came out, and they have sold well over 70 million units since then. I never had one, but I used to see them around for the first couple of years after their initial appearance. I thought the species – which looked like a bad mix of a cheap quartz watch and the old colorless Gameboy – had met with extinction years ago. Surprisingly, not only do these things still get manufactured, but they have spawned direct-to-DVD movies and animations as well.

4. Bush Bashing

I know it’s frustrating that the nation is still engaged in an expensive war with no end in sight, particularly when the reasons for this war are hazy at best. Untangling the mess left behind by the Bush administration will take time, and while W. himself has vacated the limelight, scathing online commentaries continue to nail George to the proverbial wall. I wrote a satirical post about his accomplishments myself, just a few weeks ago. But do we really need to keep hammering that old horse carcass, when there’s fresh meat to draw our beads on? Surely the likes of Sarah Palin and Joe Wilson will provide fodder for our blog entries, in the striking absence of a totally brainless administration.

5. Private Militias

Back in 1789, when the Second Commandment Amendment was drafted, the politicians of yore probably did not anticipate the hard-on that beer-guzzling Americans would have for oiling assault rifles on their front porches 200 years later. Back then, granting the citizens the right to carry weapons probably made sense, what with the British Empire constantly trying to kick some doors in. These days, drunken rednecks often form “private militias,” which are basically glorified posses of guys who like guns and are convinced that one day the government will try to rob them of all their freedoms. If these guys could read, I bet they would find a Bible replacement in George Orwell’s 1984.

6. Rickrolling

Some jokes are born unfunny. Rickrolling – the act of posting a link to the Rick Astley music video for his Never Gonna Give You Up hit song, and disguising the link as something else – still keeps happening. The surprisingly popular Internet meme even has its own Wikipedia article. While I’m hardly one to resort to violence to resolve a conflict, I admittedly would not mind meeting the idiot who started this particular trend.

7. Reality Television

When it comes to “reality television,” the word reality is used very lightly and liberally. I don’t think shows like Average Joe or Jon & Kate Plus Eight necessarily reflect any reality in any dimension I am aware of. Cheap to produce and easy to recycle, these shows are the darlings of the network executives who seek to cash in on the hopefully-passing fame of the reality television phenomenon.

8. NBC’s Primetime Programming

Oh, right. Never mind.

I never cease to be amazed by the extent to which the Internet can answer questions we never even think to ask. For example, I can honestly say I never gave any thought to what would become of my email accounts or my Facebook page after I kicked the bucket. How, without my password, would someone log into my Twitter account and let the word ring forth that I had bought the farm? If questions such as these are keeping you up at night, then fear no more – your online afterlife is just a few clicks and credit card swipes away.

Legacy Locker stores your online IDs and passwords, and hands them out to your loved ones after you’ve checked out. No more worrying about all those millions of dollars sitting in your PayPal account!

Death Switch is another interesting site. They will email you regularly to see if you’re still alive, and if they don’t hear back from you for a while, they’ll send out the farewell emails which you have entered in their system. You can prepare several farewell letters, so that your children and your old flames don’t get the same one.

On a more serious note, it is interesting to think of the applications that systems like these could be used for. There is a great deal we do to prepare things in real life in case the unexpected – or the expected – happens. Yet most people spend very little time thinking about the postmortem fate of their Facebook pages and other such online accounts. I’m certain that in many cases those accounts just live on, eventually ending up purged for inactivity, or erased when the service shuts down.

I have to say, though, if you’re the type of person who would leave it up to an online service to send out farewell letters after your death, the list of recipients probably won’t be very long.

At least the Taliban and I can agree on something.

During their regime in Afghanistan, the Taliban banned the popular Central Asian sport, Buzkashi. This, uh, sport consists of horseback men riding around and trying to drag a dead calf into a ring in the sand.

If you find this objectionable for some odd reason, don’t worry – a goat can also be used.

So, the Taliban may make no bones about killing innocent people for no particular reason, but dragging around dead calves – that has got to stop. Well, since these musketeers of peace and morality are no longer running things in merry ol’ Afghanistan, the sport has made a comeback.

Now that I’ve wetted your appetite for playing polo with deceased barnyard animals, here’s the good news: the Afghans want to bring Buzkashi to the world stage, perhaps as an Olympic sport.

In anticipation of some objection from the part of the Western world, the Afghans’ Buzkashi Federation has already banned the use of knives and weapons during matches. Even with these adjustments, my guess is that the sport is still a few tweaks away from being something the West would warm up to.

POST UPDATED TO FIX INCORRECT LINK.